In The Mind of The Beholder

 

This is a little video I made with black and white still images, taken on an analogue Nikon 35mm.

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“See the thing that makes women strong is that we have the guts to be vulnerable, we have the ability to feel the depths of our emotion and we know that we will walk trough it to the other side.”

– Cat Grant


“She is Beautiful, inside out. The way she thinks, the way she talks about something she loves, and her ability to make others smile even when she is going trough a storm inside – all of it makes her so wonderful. Her looks may fade but what will remain is her beautiful soul.”

– Alfred Hitchcock

The Game

Running from the cliché, hiding from the fire

Trying to keep it easy, preaching to the choir

Keeping the pace slow, see how it goes.

Images tattooed, scares imprinted ,

thoughts conflicted, emotions convicted

reality lying truth.

But what do I know, I’m just a part of the show.

Past, sweet and bitter

Present, fleeing emotions

Future, wonders and worries

Dreams, fears and passions

Unique to the eye of the beholder, but inflicted by everyone else.

Perfection

Perfection, constantly striving for the unattainable. How can I make it better, how can I be better, how can I get my voice heard, how can I give voice to others, how can I possibly make a difference in a world that doesn’t want to listen? Questions that all add up to, “When will I be completely satisfied with myself and my life for longer than a couple of minutes, hours or days. When will life be perfect? Truth, it never will be. We constantly try to live the lives we grow up believe are perfect but the truth is, we will never be able to live up to others expectations of us. We can however, live up to the expectations of ourselves. That is, as long as the only expectation we have is living up to OUR full potential, and not some unattainable alternate reality. We have to accept that life can never be that kind of perfect. We WILL make mistakes and so will those around us, but that doesn’t mean that we have to dwell in it, let all the black wholes suck in everything positive in our lives. Our full potential is living life the best we can in that moment, and that doesn’t mean that every time you aren’t doing something to build up your future you are losing out on opportunities. You are not in the future you are here, in the present moment, sitting on your couch staring out the window, right now. An right now that is your full potential. Because all the overthinking and worrying has made you sit there dwelling over how much you are disappointing yourself and others. But if you choose to accept where you are and that this is who you are NOW and not in the future, then maybe your full potential will change. You might find yourself getting of the couch, standing up and taking a few steps forward. One minute your full potential will be making dinner, getting a job, having one, starting a passion project, having fun at a party, spending time with your loved ones, and then one day you may find yourself sitting here again on the couch, worried about something else. But then you’ll realize that it’s ok, because life is perfect in all it’s imperfection. You will always be able to find your path in your own way, because you are living it one second, one hour, one day at a time. You are imperfectly perfect, embrace it.

Darkness

We are constantly taught to fear it. It’s something we cannot fully understand, something that blinds us from our surroundings. During the winter it makes the negative thoughts hold on tighter, last longer. But it is also what allows us to see vibrant colors of the sun set; the stars, the moon and the city lights shine. It awakens our imagination and…wow. It’s actually kind of beautiful, the dark.

Train No. 546

The raindrops trickling down the window; the 10 year old looking outside into the green fields in wonder; the businessman sitting by his computer planing his next project; the youths sitting with their backpacking gear, laughing and talking about their next trip; the family sitting comfortably next to each other in silence, occasionally exchanging a warm smile. It was all there, in one wagon on train no. 546. 

I didn’t notice it at first, I was too busy dwelling in my own thoughts. Then I put on my headset.The music silenced my thoughts as I felt every single note in my body, as dancers usually do. I glanced up from my phone and started observing the people around me.

There were so many different people in one little space. I don’t know why, but after a while I started to feel my eyes water. I felt ridiculous. These were just completely random people and nobody was really doing anything out of the ordinary, and yet here I was crying. I knew that if anyone had seen me they probably would have thought I was sad, but I wasn’t. I didn’t feel sad or angry over all the shit going on in the world outside of that train, I wasn’t consumed by the things I was struggling with in my own life, I just appreciated everything that I was surrounded by right then and there. I was inspired. Inspired by the beauty of the rain and the nature passing by my window. Inspired by the curiosity and vivid imagination behind the 10 year old’s eyes, the businessman’s focus and motivation, the backpackers’ sense of excitement and adventure, and the families loving and nurturing smiles. I didn’t know these people, and I didn’t doubt that each of them had their own problems, but in that moment I didn’t care, and neither did they.

People often focus so much on the flaws of the world and of us humans that they hardly ever stop to see all the good. It’s hard to when the worst parts of our history seem to constantly be repeating themselves. We should never stop trying to make this world a better place, but we should also never let ourselves be so consumed by our fear, doubt and hate that we are blinded from seeing all the beauty in everyday life. Even the worst moments can’t change what is good.

At times when I’ve felt helpless, sad or angry it doesn’t mean that I don’t have curiosity, motivation, excitement or compassion. It just means that in that moment that isn’t my focus, but it’s still there. I can choose to bring it out of me anytime I want to. It might not always take away the pain or guilt or whatever negative reality there is out there, but it will help me get myself together and help me move forward. It will motivate me to change what needs change, not trough childish insults and power games, but by proving all the judgmental people out there that their prejudices about say… a multicultural, bisexual woman, are not true. AND by not letting their judgment bring me down to their level of blinding hate.

So try stepping out of your mind for just a minute, and take a closer look around you. You might notice that life is actually pretty awesome, despite the occasional shitshow. Once you start to see the beauty in all the small things you start feeling less hopeless, because now you have something stronger than fear and hate to drive you. You have a big, mysterious, beautiful world, and a lot of amazing people worth fighting for.

 

About me

I grew up as a part of three very different cultures, the American, the Swedish and the Portuguese. Ever since I was a little kid I have been very curious about how the world works, and since I was constantly surrounded by different cultures with different behaviors, landscapes and norms, my curiosity only grew. I am the kind of person who you’ll find staring out into thin air or sometimes at a complete stranger, lost in thought. But I am also the kind of person who will actively look around myself and acknowledge the world around me.

Whenever I am in a creative dry spell, all I need is to go to a place full of life. It can be anything from a forrest to a café. I just sit there and look at how nature, people or animals interact, and my mind fills up with thoughts and ideas. The main thought that goes trough my mind is usually my curiosity for the human psychology. Animals and nature are fairly predictable, because they usually act and react by natural instinct, humans however are a little bit more complicated…

For most of my life I have been surrounded by people from different cultures, but I still can’t grasp what triggers us humans to act, feel or think in certain ways. Even psychologists haven’t been able to figure everything out yet. Because honestly, humans can be so unpredictable and illogical at times, and the brain is such an unbelievably complex organ that it will take years before we know everything about it, if ever.  But even though humans often seem to act without logic or reason, I hardly ever believe that there is only one side to a story. There is almost always a reason, even when the action is wrong. I have seen so many situations go wrong because of some kind of misunderstanding created by either a clash in personality or in culture, and that is how I’ve come to realize how crucial it is to understand why someone acts the way they do, even if you don’t want to, because as it turns out your judgment can often be wrong.

I am not a psychologist, but what I’ve gathered so far from observing people is that although there are many differences between cultures and individuals, the core of our actions all revolve around similar triggers. We all want to make a change (whether it’s in our own lives or in the lives of others), we all want to feel like we have some kind of control over our life and the environment surrounding it, we are all curious beings who constantly try to understand the unknown, and we all want to feel accepted and loved.

Since my head is constantly filled with so many thoughts, I channel these and my curiosity into different creative outlets. My favorite outlets have always been the performing arts. It is through these I make sense of the world. Whenever I feel strong emotions that I can’t put into words I write, play music, dance or act. This is my way of feeling like I have a say in my own life, it is my way to understand my emotions, and stay grounded. A few years ago I realized that another art form could combine all of my artistic outlets into one effective trigger of emotions, filmmaking.

My goal is to bring stories to life by combining all of my passions. Stories that captivate a broad range of personalities, and that, even for just a moment, make a difference in the lives of others. On this blog I want to share my own experiences and the experiences of others to, at the best of my ability, get people to feel, think and act. I will be posting a lot about human rights and human behavior, self-expressive creativity, and a lot of random thoughts about what, to me, makes this world such a harsh, yet wonderful and mysterious place.